Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
