So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
