Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The power of my boobs compel you
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
