I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
