do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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