Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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