Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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