My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just pee around me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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