She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
