it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If I had your ass I would rule the world
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
