I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
