I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I would ride that face into the sunset
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
