I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize