...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
