I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
