i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
