she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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