The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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