Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
