I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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