I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
