I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
