Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Randomize
