Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
