i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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