Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
