Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
In America we eat man semen.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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