It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
