woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
