I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
