i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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