Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
