I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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