Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
