Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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