Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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