you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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