We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
