She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
