having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
