Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
