I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
