You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
