you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
