I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
