You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
