My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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