There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
