Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
