My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
