We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
