We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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