It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
