I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
