capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
