I'm pants shitting drunk right now
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just pee around me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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