They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
COCAINE IS GR8
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
