I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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