Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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