Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
