Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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