I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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