I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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